it's that time again

I am leaving for Florida in a couple of days. I'll be done with all my finals by Wednesday. . . Yay!


1.) Wrapping paper or gift bag? A little bit of both. I think that if I had more time (I’m at school now folks waiting for my next final so this doesn’t count) that I would make homemade wrapping paper and go all out, but Robert is the wrapping pro around here. His patience is astonishing.

2.) Real tree or artificial? No tree : ( haven’t had a tree in 3 years. There is just no time. No family to enjoy it. And I’m sure Ella would eat it : ) But we put up stockings for the dogs this year.

3.) When do you put up the tree? Someday I would like to start a tradition of putting it up on Thanksgiving or thereabouts.

4.) When do you take the tree down? Easter sounds like a good time Robin : )

5.) Do you like eggnog? A tiny sip with breakfast during December.

6.) Favorite gift received as a child? I liked getting money and making my own decisions. The whole once a year trip to the mall thing was such a fantastic idea. I have such great memories of that.

7.) Hardest person to buy for? Robert and oftentimes Scott the snot.

8.) Easiest person to buy for? My mom, grandma and Louis. I generally start finding things at craft fairs and such throughout the year. Rarely do I go out and search for something for them. Their presents always find me.

9.) Do you have a Nativity scene? nope

10.) Mail or e-mail Christmas cards? That’s not a bad idea. I don’t think I’ve ever mailed Christmas cards. Have I? Someday I’ll have time for that.


11.) Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Nothing terrible but I dare not say.

12.) Favorite Christmas movie? Home Alone!

13.) When do you start shopping for Christmas? All the time. Throughout the year.

14.) Have you ever recycled a Christmas gift? Of course. Some people are awfully nice to think of me but do not know me very well.

15.) Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Uhhh oooh umm I remember grandma’s rolls. Those were awesome, but I generally don’t eat the same thing every year.

16.) Lights on the tree? Why have a tree with no lights?

17.) Favorite Christmas song? have yourself a merry little christmas

18.) Travel at Christmas or stay home? I like to travel ; )

19.) Can you name all of Santa's reindeer (problem solved)? I probably could if I tried


20.) Angel on the tree top or a star? I think the top of the tree should be reserved for something phenomenal. If an angel or star floats your goat then go for it.

21.) Open presents Christmas morning? Throughout the year. People give me Christmas presents throughout the year and sometimes they don’t even know it.

22.) Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Too much of all the great things: Christmas music, Christmas cheer, false hope, decorations. . .

23.) Favorite ornament, theme or color? I have absolutely no ornaments. I thought about stealing our old ones from the old house but Gene had everything so freaking organized. I think if I had to put up a tree I would paint a bunch of popcorn pink and throw it on there.

24.) Favorite for Christmas dinner? Vegan stuffing.

25.) What do you want for this Christmas? My mom, grandma, brothers, dogs and Robert. But this year I’ll miss Rusty again. 3 years is too long.

26.) Who is most likely to respond to this? My mom

27.) Who is most unlikely to respond to this? The lurkers (I love you grandma!)

no rotten fruit please

I normally don't throw my writings around, but I'm fairly positive that this is going to be something that I'm going to pretend I didn't write later on down the road. I wrote this for a class. . . already turned it in. It's a series of haikus based on Edgar Allan Poe's the Tell-Tale Heart. If you're a diehard fan of this poem please refrain from throwing rotten fruit at me.

Paranoia kills
But only those with weird eyes
The crazy ones live

One guy tripping out
Heaven and hell colliding
Noises everywhere

Gentle, nice old man
The cute grandfatherly type
Santa Claus perhaps

Santa Claus is screwed
His eye is blue, filmy too
Blue, filmy eyes scare

Blue is unnerving
Like a bird of prey, it probes
Like ice, it splinters

The Psycho giggles
He has an awesome idea!
Death to Santa Claus!

He sneaks and creeps in
Laughing like crickets and wind
All set to murder

Dreaming of crickets
Santa Claus is sound asleep
Unaware for now

His eye seized by light
The psycho lights up the blue
As Santa stiffens

Santa's heart wakes up
The psycho hears the thumping
And gets excited

But oh the neighbors!
Time to off Saint Nicholas!
Turn his ticker off

Slice him bit by bit
And hide him under the floor
Brilliant plan I say

A knock on the door
What the hell is going on?
Just a bad nightmare

The psycho falters
He hears the heart start to beat
Can they hear it too?

A madman gives up
Too much stress to hide murder
He confesses all

still here

I haven't disappeared. . . yet.

It's been tough around here recently. I've been having family problems (nothing to do with my momalu), but I'm hopeful that whatever happens will happen for the best. I'm sorry, but I just cannot share this problem with you.

It's also the end of another semester, another few credits to add to my collection of well over one hundred. Exchange a credit for a bit of life, of youthfulness. That's how it goes.

I am going for the degree I have wanted all my life. I found a way to make it happen, and nothing but death can stop me now. Rockchalk Jayhawk! I'll be graduating at the same time, but hopefully it's one step closer to a happier me.

Right now though I'm a little stressed grrrrrr. I slept until noon today. . . I have my annual doctor's appointment tomorrow. It's a funny thing because I made this appointment a few weeks ago and yesterday I got sick. Go figure. I'm sure it's minor-strep or an infection of some kind. I knew I was going to have problems when I touched a sick person's cat on Saturday-not recommended.

On a brighter note? Guess what Robert got me for my birthday? A PLANE TICKET TO SEE LOUIS! So, I'm going to see Louis and Robert is going on a cruise (lucky bastard, but not as lucky as me). Hopefully my mom can squeeze us in over the holidays too : ) *fingers crossed*

So, I haven't disappeared yet. I've been reading blogs, lurking around. Please don't be worried.

Why hello there Mr. Vader

Click to see a larger image.



Apparently Darth is everywhere, even on the floor of one of my classrooms.

This is a marbled concrete floor folks, so keep your eyes on the floor.....

You never know who might be down there.

bananas and vibrators

I know I know. More silly crap. But that's me in a nutshell and you love it!

With this meme you go to photobucket, type in your response and pick something fun. 123 GO!

What is your name?




What is your favorite color?



What’s your favorite food?






If you could go anywhere, where would you go?




What is your favorite movie of all time?




What about your favorite show?




What’s your favorite holiday?


Favorite drink (alcoholic or non)?




Where do you like to shop the most?

(I was scared to type this in)




What is the name of your best friend?



Do you have any weird nicknames?

I’ll let you guess which one




Describe yourself in one word.

Once again. . .



Favorite current song?





What are you doing on Friday night?




What’s your lucky number?




What is one thing you could not live without?



You know who I’m talking about.

Favorite animal?




Relationship status?



What’s your favorite word?

There’s no way it’s on there


What about your favorite clothing item?



Who are you with right now?



Who is your celebrity crush?



WOWWWWW

What’s your best feature?

I couldn’t find any as good as mine : )


Where do you spend most of your time?








What is your favorite sport?

giant raspberry on your nose

Ok it's obvious that I have homework : )

1. What are your initials? HJEC

2. What is your favorite thing to wear? My banana boxers and tree hugging dirt worshipper shirt.

3. Last thing you ate? Black bean and spinach quesadilla and sister mary’s righteous root beer.

4. Name one thing that scares you: loud noises

5. I say Shotgun, you say: get in the back ho

6. Who was the last person in your bed? Person? Seriously? Our golden retrievers own the bed.

7. What were you doing at 7:00am? sleeping

8. Last person you hugged? robert

9. Does anyone you know want to date you? Yes, and he is.

10. When was your last encounter with the police? I happen to work with a cute officer. He loaned me his coat once. It weighed about 60 pounds but smelled extraordinary. But no, I haven’t been pulled over yet.

11. Have you ever driven without a license? Occasionally. But not on purpose.

12. The last place you went out to dinner? Subway lol

13. Do you like your name? Yes

14. What time of the day is it? It’s 5ish

15. Who/What made you angry today? Nothing!

16. Do you want anyone? HAHAHA

17. Do you like birds? Yes

18. Favorite holiday? I don’t need to go through this again, do I?

19. Do you download music? sometimes

20. Do you care if your socks are dirty? yes

21. Opinion of Chinese symbol tattoos? Why express yourself with a language that you may not understand.

22. What are you doing tonight? Finishing laundry and homework, a walk with the pups and my Robert is making dinner.

23. Do you like to cuddle? Not usually. Although I am in a house FILLED WITH CUDDLERS! It’s hard to say no.

24. Do you love anyone? I would hope so. Robin has a point here.

25. Whose bed did you sleep in last night? See #6

26. Have you ever bungee jumped? NO

27. Have you ever gone whitewater rafting? I would be right there with you mom, but only if we had someone there to save our asses.

28. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? Let’s not go there.

29. How many pets do you have? Fish, snails and my two goldens.

30. Have you met a real redneck? I don’t have to look very far.

31. How is the weather right now? Windy enough to yank the lips right off your face. And cold.

32. What are you listening to right now? Kate nash!

33. What was the last movie you watched? The Happening. Don’t watch it. Honestly, it’s a waste of time.

34. Do you wear contacts? yes

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house? Lowes (I know I know)

36. What are you wearing? I’m still in tennis gear.

37. What's one thing you've learned this year? Oh many many things.

38. What do you usually order from Starbucks? I’m not a Starbucks person. I do love my weekly cup of joe though. I usually get it from a secret place close to home. I get a d s sf gcc (decaf skim sugarfree german chocolate cake). I like to take all the fun out of things.

39. Ever had someone sing to you? Robert sings to me all the time. And sometimes my mom slips something in her coffee and feels the need to sing to me. I’m not complaining.

40. Have you ever fired a gun? No

40 1/2. Are you missing someone? I missed my momalu last night.

41. Favorite TV? BIG BANG THEORY

42. What do you have an obsession with? Nothing super

43. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb? um
.
44. Who would you like to see right now? My family

45. Ever had a near death experience? Mom I was not hysterical and it was way longer than 45 minutes. I was the one rowing your crazy ass to shore woman. Sure, I wasn’t in the right state of mind, but we were in a SINKING KAYAK. At least I wasn’t singing or acting like we were on a yacht having a beer together. But would I do it all over again? Yes.

46. Are you afraid of falling in love? I haven’t fallen into anything folks, nor am I afraid too.

47. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
I remember when Scott and I were planning on running away and living in grandma’s RV. It was only after we cleared out the kitchen that we got caught. I also got caught with various animals in my closet growing up. My mother seems to remember only the things with scales.

48. Has anyone you were really close to passed away recently? nope

49. Our Lady Peace or Nickelback? Not a clue

50. What's something that really bugs you? Insensitivity

51. Do you like Michael Jackson? I like his earlier music

52. Taco Bell or Burger King? No and no

53. Next time you will kiss someone? You are going to get a giant raspberry on your nose mom.

54. Favorite baseball team? I think I’d rather watch paint dry.

(THIS MEME GOES ON FOREVER, DOESN'T IT?) Yes.

55. Ever call a 1-900 phone number? No

56. Nipple or Nose rings? Piercings freak me out

57. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep? I can’t win this. I love sleep too much.

58. Last time you went bowling? It’s been a month or so. Too long.

59. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? I once slept at a drug dealer’s house. It was while I was waiting to move to kc. It was that or my car. I never even met the guy. I Just knew his girlfriend. She was completely oblivious to his ‘business'. I slept like a rock though. I’ve also fallen asleep at IHOP, in the back of a truck (beautiful view), and in a bathtub with no water.

60. Who did you last speak with on the phone? james

61. What does your last received text message say? Just Justin talking smack. Poor guy doesn’t have any balls.

62. What's the closest orange object to you? Seriously? That would be me.

Nope, that's 'vagina'

So, this is my second post with the word 'vagina' in it. I like to start things off with a bang. Now honestly, think about this. How would you describe 'bang' to someone who has never experienced its sound? Pay attention and you shall see.

I am struggling with simple words. If I don't watch myself, 'shy' accidentally becomes 'whore'. Really folks, one finger makes a difference. I was scared of the word 'bug' for awhile. I knew that 'penis' and 'orgasm' were too close for comfort. One slip of my hand can prove that my appetite has nothing to do with food. 'Triangle' and 'pizza' are not what they look like. Nope, that's 'vagina'.

As most of you know I am learning ASL.

Every week I transition between signed english and ASL for various classes. These are two very different languages. With signed english everything is signed. With ASL many words are not used, and oftentimes the sentence is rearranged. ASL is a beautiful and intimidating language to learn. After you watch this video I challenge you to turn off the sound. You may be surprised to find that little has changed.




On a separate note:



Really folks, there is just so much beauty out there.

Busiek

Over the weekend we went to Branson. On the way back we stopped at Busiek State Park. Busiek is one of my most favorite places. The trails are for everyone: horses, bikers, hikers and pups. The closest thing we have to that in KC is the zoo and the bar next door. Stopping at Busiek made me realize just how much I am missing out of life by living in a city. As soon as my education is finished I am out of here and back to the country, no doubt about it.

Enjoy!
(When you click on the pictures they become HUGE. Me and this mac aren't getting along. . .)













After they romped all over the place they took a long rest in the creek. Rose even dozed off a couple of times.

excited

You know, we need to get more EXCITED about being alive. So many problems could be solved with a little enthusiasm, a little respect, a tiny bit of nice here and there.

Every day I eat lunch alone. I race to the only microwave at school, nuke my food, grab a paper and claim a spot in a comfy chair far away from the cafeteria. Today, a classmate asked if I wanted to sit with her. I’ve been going to college for 5 years and I have never been asked to join someone for lunch. Nor have I ever thought to ask someone if they wanted to sit with me. I was floored. So, of course I said yes. I even shared my brownies Robert made for me (a very big leap). I sat with three girls. Two were twins, perky and perkier. I was a little put off by how excited they were. I was expecting a table full of too much mascara and gossip. I figured the most exciting thing we would talk about was Halloween jello shots. Instead I was greeted by education majors who didn’t drink. One even mentioned she was interested in special education. Needless to say it was an awesome lunch. I can’t wait to get back to my poofy chair that conveniently sits underneath a broken vent (nearby chatter goes zzzzzzt), but it is nice to know that there are people out there that are EXCITED to be alive. I applaud excited people, but only if I don’t have to see them everyday. Sometimes my own excitement is too much for me.

I started a new babysitting gig tonight. The mother just needs a few hours a week to breathe. She has two kiddos, 8 months and 2 ½ years, and they are a handful. I am so used to the 4-10 age range. I have a whole bag of tricks and games for older kids, but absolutely nothing for teensy ones. I showed up empty handed, but quickly realized that noise was going to be my new best friend. As long as I stayed on their level and made plenty of noise I was fine. Will this work every time? I hope so.

And just for fun:

This song speaks to me. I identify with it. Don't you?




on a totally different note-
history paper: A
ASL test: B

only to find out it's you

I rarely put my myspace junk on here, but I have reasons for this that cannot be explained.

Halloween Time


Childhood

What is the first costume you remember wearing?
My memories of Halloween are almost obsolete. I honestly don’t remember.

What was your favorite costume?
I liked those weird masks my brother and I got from Spencers.

Best Halloween memory as a kid?
The homemade treats I got. I know they don’t do that anymore, but I used to get cookies, candied apples, creepy crochet animals. Those were my favorite things.

Worst Halloween memory as a kid?
When the homemade goodies stopped. Razor blades and poison can sure take the fun out of things.

Ever TP or egg a house?
No, but I really want to TP someone’s house one day. No one has pushed me to that level yet. Damn you all for being so nice to me!

Did you steal other kid’s candy?
Absolutely. Don’t get me wrong, I tried every approach before I resorted to stealing. I tried bartering, dares, kicking, kissing, and buying, but some people just wouldn’t budge when it came to fun dip.

If you were a character in a horror movie, would you survive?
No, I would be the person that you yell at to go in the other direction.

Would you live in a house that was rumored to be haunted?
Absolutely.

Would you live in a house where someone had been murdered?
Absolutely.

Other than a gun, name the first murder weapon that comes to mind?
Elbows. You all know the maneuver I’m talking about. The one where you take a flying leap onto the person and land on them with your elbows. Hurts like hell.

Would you ever be a mortician?
Yes, a mortician is the type of person who obviously sucked at that game. . . Operation! That’s it. I am definitely up for it. There's no zzzzt! with a dead person.


Do you fit the serial killer profile? W/male/18-32/arson/bedwetter/kills animals
hahAHAHA karAh. I is girl!

Do you believe people can be possessed?
Yes. The only way to know, though, is to kiss them. Don’t do it!

What is something that will haunt you for the rest of your life?
When you watch someone fizz out that definitely sticks with you, but it’s nothing compared to a doll with a mirror for a face. Holy shit imagine being four years old and getting a doll, only to find out it’s you.

How do you feel about death and dying?
It happens. It’s a part of life that is definitely necessary.

Have you ever seen a dead body, other than in a funeral home?
Oh my. Flores!

Were you afraid to go in the ocean after you saw Jaws?
Never saw it.

Would you eat a human if your life depended on it?
I don’t know. I’ve never been in that position.

What was your last nightmare?
Hard to remember.

Rather be buried alive for a night or sleep next to a dead body?
I’m perfectly fine with being buried alive. As long as I have a way to breathe. I’m a claustrophile and I love dirt so what’s the problem?

As an Adult

Do you decorate your house?
Yes, on Halloween we throw dry ice in our pond. The kids love it!

Do you decorate your myspace?
That’s retarded

Do you still dress up for Halloween?
nope

How long have been thinking about this year’s costume?

Planning on attending any parties?
Nope

What will you be this year?
nothing

What was your favorite costume you wore?
I really don’t have one.

Favorite costume someone else wore?
Trash.

Funniest Halloween moment?
I don’t have one.

If money is not an issue, what is your dream costume?
I’ll leave that for the freaks.

Supernatural

Do you believe in ghosts?
yes

Have you ever seen one?
Aren’t they invisible?

First thing that pops into your mind....

Murder weapon?
Well I’m sure elbows aren’t going to cut it. Poison?

Scary movie?
Blair Witch Project. Fantastic!

Halloween?
cute

Vampire?
Apparently, sexy.

Monster?
Not so sexy.

Haunted?
Baked lays.

But yes, no bitching

Recently (ok yesterday or Sunday) I started something new. The whole recognizing my blessings thing is working fine. It’s become more of an inside thing most days because Robert usually falls asleep (no big deal, I understand). But more than anything I am finding out that it takes more than just once a day. Honestly my mind goes 326 miles an hour on average, and if I don’t watch out, everything becomes a monotonous whirl of self-degradation. I am realizing, hopefully before it’s too late, that I am either A. my mother, B. my father, or C. a control freak. So, how do I approach this problem? Well after much consideration (a few hours, remarkable based on my impulses) I have decided to tackle my control issues. I know that A. my mother is only slightly a control freak and B. my father is just a freak (God bless his as(soul)). Someday I truly have hope that my mother and father will not be surprised by me. My mother reads my blogs and I read them to my father, but they are still surprised by who I really am. I can’t be sure, but I think they are surprised by themselves too. Maybe this is the way to go.

Back to the subject of control. Yesterday (or the day before) I decided to tackle my control issues with control. You heard me. Why not? Control is eating me up. Why not turn cannibalistic on its ass. So my first step? To quit bitching. But no way, that’s not possible. I’m a woman. But yes, no bitching. So far it’s been f*cking tough wonderful. I have found that I have so little to say. Even more amazing is just how many people have picked up on this without knowing it (now you do). It’s awesome. I think I’m becoming (or at least feeling like) one of those wise old farts who never say anything, but then I find a deserted bathroom and laugh until my eyeliner wanders. It’s definitely been healing. Two days into this and I think I might be hooked. So where does all the negativity go? I’ve been trying (for quite awhile) to find constructive ways that do not include words. My art room has a treadmill and I find it comforting to run a little, paint a little, repeat. I think of it as getting rid of all the toxins. It’s been working amazingly well. With yesterday’s (or the day before) addition it might just take off and be the perfect combo for balance.

I do not know why it’s been so hard to find balance lately. This is my scheduled year of change, but I find myself still the same. Maybe it will be like the last scheduled year of change, and I will not notice until much later. But perhaps balance is so hard to reach because of all the change. But it should be easy too, because all the bumps in the past few years have been pebbles, with the exception of you, scott! Your move was a freaking speed bump totally awesome; I’m proud of you!

On a different note: who’s going to flush this toilet faster? Obama or Mccain? Wow we really got the pick of the litter, huh ________? Crap I can’t find anything positive to say.

We are so misinformed. Oh well, we asked for this.

fantastic!

Everything is aok right now. I’m taking a moment to breathe (first time today). I am beginning the final tests for my education degree in addition to taking a zillion ASL/signed English classes. I’m feeling a little restless and crazy stressed, but having everything mapped out for the next year and a half is definitely helping out. I’m not sure what I will do after I finish my education degree (spring 2010). I am thinking about several options. I am interested in substituting until I finish my ASL degree, but I’m also thinking about getting my masters in special ed. or english. I begin observing next week. I will be observing a class for pregnant teenagers. This class is actually within the school. It’s a brand new program that they’re trying out. I am also observing regular english classes and various types of special ed.

I have also stumbled upon a very interesting approach to painting. I cannot tell you my secret, but I hope it’s a good one. I will say that I have found a crazy way to integrate air into the paint. It’s very cool. Very loud. Very abstract. I plan on posting pictures when the paintings dry.

Tennis has been fantastic. I’ve been keeping up with running and yoga (barely), and today I actually beat someone I thought I’d never be able to beat.

OH AND THE BIGGEST BADDEST MOST SUPER FANTASTIC AMAZING NEWS OF ALL???? I found Louis again (ok he found me thanks to myspace). It feels awesome knowing where all my brothers are. Totally awesome. I am complete. He is doing excellent, living in Tampa, going to drag shows without me. AND he is getting married! Who is he getting married to? Robert! Yes, he has a Robert too. Unbelievable, but true. I hope this guy is a winner. I hope that this burst of happiness is 100% and lasts.

So, yes everything is aok. No, wait, it’s fantastic!

Dear Giant Breakfast Phenomenon on the Side of the Road,

thank you for being the most delicious roadside art I ever seen. how can I not appreciate your tackiness when it always makes me laugh out loud? as much as I wish you would disappear (I'm sure there's a concrete omelet with your name on it), I cannot help but applaud your fantastic ugliness.


and thank you, mom, for finally capturing this wonderful atrocity.

When God gives you lemons. . .

FIND A NEW GOD!


Recently my computer bit the dust. After being exposed to my fists, late night triscuit snacking, and random attacks by my nose (laughter, folks) it finally died. I have been occasionally using Robert’s computer, but it’s not the same. I do not like the bare wall that faces me, the glass top that covers his desk or the lack of familiarity. My desk sits across from Robert’s, and even though it’s on the other side of the room, it’s a totally different world. I have colorful metaphysical maps, pictures of my family, an M&M dispenser (very important), random books and journals and most importantly, my Buddha. It’s a very colorful and peaceful world on that side. Robert’s side, however, is all business. He’s usually got multiple computers that he’s working on scattered about. Papers and textbooks take up the rest of the space. It’s an uncomfortable setup for me.
He’s also got the 2007 version of Microsoft Office which PISSES me off. I can’t get through a damn poem or paper without the damn thing changing text, font, spacing etc. on me. Finally there is the problem of actually getting on the blasted thing. If Robert hasn’t done something to the silly thing that requires it to have absolutely no human contact, he is usually on it, working. Because I have no computer I will be blogging quite a bit less until I get one. I will not be able to afford another computer until I graduate college. Why? Well folks, I got fired, so my new plan is to take classes out my ears until I finish this damn thing. Straight through. That means no job. BUT I will get on now and then to keep up with all of you.
Until then, Peace!

P.S. the dogs are fine now

roots

I cannot take you back to the very beginning of my musical background. I do not know where it even begins. I have known music as long as I’ve known my mother, even before that I’m sure. She knew music longer than she knew herself, and it was through music that I came to know her. It is no big surprise to see music in my actions, only to realize that the music is actually fragments of everyone I know and feel and love passionately. I am reminded of these people everyday when a particular chord, voice, note, inflection or rumble claims me. Often I am shaken. I have felt the cold hands of a dying friend through a song, the kiss of someone wrong, of someone lost, the shudder of a bird’s silent thump on my windshield, violations against my spirit, first dates and cancer smeared goodbyes. I can smell my grandmother’s cooking in the fantastic explosion of violin and piano; her very presence is evident in the melodic quiet of Jim Reeves and the simple power of Patsy Cline. Tchaikovsky, Bach, Mozart, Verdi and Dvorak became a part of me through her, and whenever a particular piece is blared or subtly whispered to me I not only think of her, I feel her. This is what music does to me, says to me. It captivates, haunts, thrills and teaches me.

Sometimes it smothers me, and although I rebel against its power, it is without guilt that I admit that I often put myself inside it and do not come out until a part of me is stronger or less foolish. My mother surrounded me with its force but did not use it as a weapon. She fed me lullabies and sad folk songs, and it satiated me. She gave me roots to cling to until I could find and nourish my own. I feel like my mother’s music is a part of me.


My father’s music, however, always felt like something I wanted to be a part of but never could. He is a musician, and not the loud honky tonk bar type, but the real deal. This always intimidated me. Recently I let it go, but when a certain song slips inside me I can still feel the jealousy, the want to be what he wants me to be. It’s a knot of organ chords and sax riffs tightly wound with the veins of a deep and soulful jazz orchestra. Certain songs take me back to the nights I spent watching him play. The bars were always dark and dusty, but the cokes never came without a thick wedge of lime. Even as a child I could see an excitement about my father that rarely existed anywhere else. He was born to entertain, and he did so with crazy gusto. His music provided the information I needed to understand the different sides of him. I thought I knew him through music, but I was proven wrong. Music can only show me who he is when it surrounds him. I barely know the truest part of him, the struggle of melody fighting to take over a human body, and the fight is only a whisper when he is not performing.

My musical tastes vary, and sometimes even clash. So many people have influenced my love for music. My mom gave me the love of folk, of simple voices and funky beats. My father gave me jazz, wailing voices and a hunger for big bands and even bigger voices. A Hammond b3 can put me in my place or take the floor out from under me. My grandmother gave me the power of instrumental magic and the beauty of old time country. Scott introduced me to rap, bass, percussion and lyrics. In my first year of living alone I discovered choral, gospel and hip hop music. I have roots now, and they have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with who means the most.

I have added a playlist at the bottom of my blog with many of my favorites. Enjoy!

But till that morning there's a'nothing can harm you

It has been a tough but surprisingly satisfying summer. Working 50+ hours a week + tennis + classes was a little on the exhausting side, but I feel like I had a much more productive summer than the last. Would I do it over? Absolutely not. Ok maybe. I feel a lot stronger and confident with not only my tennis game, but also with myself. I threw out my scale at the beginning of the summer and haven’t looked back. My life is so much better without it. Two rootbeers in two days? Sure, why the hell not? I’m not jumping on the scale, only to leap off crying and forcing myself into a brutal exercise regimen. 10+ hours of tennis a week is enough. I am fine with myself right now. Even happy at times.
It’s been tough around here. Sure, there have been a few freebies like new tennis partners and discovering the best rootbeer in the world, but it’s been fairly tough. About two weeks ago Rose started throwing up. This was followed by severe diarrhea. As we scrambled to call the vet Ella lost control too. After calling the vet Robert and I brainstormed, going through everything they could have eaten during the three day period of their complications. It came down to their dog food, Nutro. Robert immediately researched it and found out that there was a problem with the food. Most of the problems (and there were many) were kidney and liver oriented. The first blood tests showed that Rose was fine, with only an elevated temperature, but something in Ella’s kidney levels were raised. We took them back today and Rose is still fine, but Ella’s levels have gone up. No kidney failure, just a high concentration of ammonia. She is taking more medication, which we are hoping will cure the problem. I have noticed a droop to her loveliness, but overall she is acting like a happy dog, joyful growl noises and all. The vet is 100% on our side, which is amazing, because it would be hard to face this alone.
I also have had more trouble with my eyes. I take fantastic care of them so I don’t know what the deal is. White specks keep appearing. I learned today that they’re called corneal infiltrations. Not ulcers like I feared thankfully, but I will have to completely change my contacts and keep wearing my glasses (not a fan).
To top things off I also had a few complications with my job. I’m not sure where I stand with the family although I did absolutely nothing wrong. I only expected to get paid. I’m not sure I will get to babysit for them again. It’s sad enough knowing that I won’t get to see them everyday, but even worse to think I may have lost them.
It’s been a long summer.
Tomorrow I will have a fantastic post. Promise! I will also visit you all tomorrow.

gripes

Last week was waaay too long. I played tennis five times, babysat every day (and one night), went to class, hung out with friends both Friday and Saturday night and even managed to flood my boss' house (not my fault thankfully).

Today I am bordering on freaking out and falling asleep. I am slightly dehydrated and sick from eating strange food two days in a row. I also have 4+ hours of tennis and running this afternoon outside in 105+ heat. I can't cancel because I had to cancel on these people last weekend when I was sick. So if I make it through today I am going to take myself to my favorite salad bar and pig out.

Next week should be a tad bit easier.

book love

I have a brand new 2nd favorite book. This is a serious honor. My previous 2nd favorite book, sand and foam by kahlil gibran, inspired me to start writing poetry. I thought nothing could replace it. Until now.

I am going to give you a particular piece that blew me away and left me completely and totally in love.

"Dear God. Not only am I unemployed and homeless, but I also have a pregnant woman, bereaved dog, elephant, and eleven horses to take care of."

This book, Water For Elephants, by Sara Gruen, is extraordinary.

Another book that I have read recently, A Three Dog Life by Abigail Thomas, is also quite exceptional. Sad, but poetically and emotionally outstanding. Thank you Robin. Abigail Thomas isn't stuck on the memoir shelf with the other truths. She has made it to a higher place, if there is such a thing, and that is the shelf that I visit everyday. The shelf that holds dave eggers, stephen dunn, kenneth patchen and shel silverstein.

if only I could alphabetize silence

The girlios are grounded for the next few days. Not just plain ol’ regular grounded, but BIG TIME grounded. I’m not going to go into details about why they are grounded. To make a long and boring story short they lied a big time lie to their mom. There will be no Oceans of Fun this week. There will be no electronic devices including video games, ipods, and tv. This will make for an interesting (and hopefully) peaceful few days. I am not a fan of the video games. They each have their own, but they share the games that go in them, and after about one car ride I usually take them away because they are fighting over them or will not control the volume. I don’t care about their ipods usually. Hannah Montana sounds so much better when I can barely hear her. There is a but however. There always is. Taylor rarely uses her ipod, preferring my music to hers (this is what I choose to believe). This creates chaos in my car. Why? Tiffany likes to sing along with Hannah Montana, and when you combine this with Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Taylor’s attempt at singing along with them you have the sudden need to jump out the window fast. So am I happy about the no ipod rule? Yes. T.V. doesn’t usually bother me either. The only time they watch any is in the morning or when I hand it out like it’s a privilege. I admit that there has been a time or two that I have turned it on to distract them, but that was when the washing machine broke or I had a floor to scrub. Even if I am not watching it, I am usually the first to tire of it. I am fine with the Backyardigans. I also, begrudgingly, let them watch Sponge Bob. I do this because they love the stupid show. They LOVE it. If Dora comes on, however, I don’t care if the washing machine is overflowing. The tv is going OFF. I HATE Dora. Her voice is worse than the sound of 1000 lawn mowers making love with each other to the music of an ice cream truck.

Today has been peaceful so far. It’s been two hours and there has only been one incident of pinching. Because the girls are grounded they are required to stay within my sight for the entire day. Oddly enough they don’t mind this punishment. They are content to curl up with the dogs in a pile of coloring books, crayons and mushy tennis balls, moving the entire mess like a giant ranibow colored slug whenever I start another task. Occasionally I join the pile. If I do laundry they are given the strenuous task of folding socks. Strenuous? Surely not. Yes, strenuous. Robert has socks with varying stages of DSD. DSD is Degenerative Sock Disorder. If a sock with little or no elasticity ends up with a brand new sock the results require more work from the sock team (Tiff and Tay). It is somewhat similar to pairing an old woman with a young man or vice versus. One sock is going to get left behind (usually the older one), while the younger goes in search for a new mate. I kid you not, Robert does this. I have found old, single socks everywhere. He doesn’t mind holey underwear, but by God his socks better not have DSD.

I am also still sick today. Robert told me that if he finds out I have done anything (even laundry), he will dump a big cup of water on me (he is currently at an interview for school) . This creates a problem. I am A. not the type to sit around and B. itching to alphabetize. I do not know if anyone else shares this same itch, but it involves a strong desire to organize anything and everything into alphabetical order. Sometimes I will take apart a section of books: novels, memoirs, poetry and alphabetize them by the author’s middle name (this involves research), and at the end of the day put them back the way they were. The linen closet aka the toiletries closet has become a mess only spiders can love. The lavender shampoo is crammed up next to the secret (ok not so secret) stash of sugar scrub, and GASP Robert’s manly stuff has invaded the corner reserved just for flashy pink hair products.

My desk is also needing TLC. Not necessarily alphabetical TLC, just some leveling and perhaps a team of professionals specializing in hazardous waste. I’m fairly certain that it’s more than abc gum that binds the mountain of books, cds, and papers together. When I found my mouse the other day I realized I had no place for it. Thanks to a book in my lap the problem is temporarily solved. But something needs to be done soon or I will have to relocate to the floor. You know, now that I think about it that’s not such a bad idea.

Roseosaurus meets her match

I am sick : ( Sinus issues. Nothing big. My head is really foggy though, and putting together more than a couple sentences is bordering on the impossible. I have a semi-decent (dash or no dash) post I am working on, but it's been put on the back burner. Robert has been a saint. I got sick Friday night, and it has been nothing but tea and cuddles since then. We also went out today and bought a roomba at a store nearby that was having a closing sale. If you haven't seen one of these things in action I suggest you put it on your list of priorities! Esp. if you have dogs. Rose and Ella thought that they could hide under the coffee table, but the roomba found them! I told Robert that the roomba was going to have a difficult time figuring out if the girls were big wads of hair or actual furniture.

Wow you can tell that I've had an eventful weekend. It started out so big too. On Friday night, Robert and I grabbed some delicious mexican food and headed for the train tracks. We had a picnic less than ten feet away from the tracks with Rose and Ella tucked in close to us. Next thing you know I'm sick and we're laughing our cabooses off at some silly vacuum as it chases our dogs around, trying to clean them.

Tripping

I tried something new last night. Lately I have been struggling with tiny but all consuming spurts of sadness and stress. I have a great life, don’t get me wrong, but the stress is breaking me down. I haven’t been able to get through the day without tiny stresses that all but stop my breathing when added up. I am trying to slow down and stop blaming myself for everything. I am trying to count my blessings without tripping over them and cussing them out. Yesterday Robert came up with the idea of counting these blessings. Surely this idea has hit me before.

Didn’t I use to keep journals just for this very thing?
Yes.
When did they stop?
When I wadded up God and put her in a box full of old fads and the pieces of myself that required effort to fit.
Did I get too busy to pinpoint the exact moments of happiness in my life?
Yes.

Yesterday’s blessings were hard to come by. I felt them inside me. I knew they were there. But for every positive thing I had a negative thing to match it. Every time a negative thing would slip out, Robert would shout “two more positive things”! Instead of getting closer, 10 just kept getting further away.
Today was impossibly easy. Tonight I will share my blessings with you. Don’t be surprised if I get carried away.

1. I woke up. Not only did I wake up, but Robert was the first person I saw. He smiled when I touched his face. Sleep couldn’t keep my presence away.

2. My new hair dryer blew me away. Literally. It also has attachments. I have no idea what the hell they are for but it’s absolutely adorable to watch Robert attach them and make rocket noises.

3. Robert made me and the girlios pink pancakes. They looked like the results of a Pepto-Bismol truck after smacking into a bakery, but damn they were good and they made us all smile.

4. Robert took a picture that made me all fuzzy inside, like a new tennis ball. That’s the best kind of fuzzy.



5. Tennis was outstanding. I practiced on the backboard, and I can honestly say that I kicked its ass. I can still feel a few shots right now, hours and hours later.

6. I ate dinner with Scott and Robert at Olive Garden. We tried about four different wines, shared a chocolate martini and ate, laughed and talked ourselves silly. I was amazed at all the people who came to wish him goodbye (he used to work there). It was crazy awesome to see how many people had fallen in love with him during his short stay in KC.

7. I got more than a one armed man hug from Scott. Words cannot describe this. He then stuck his armpit in my face, and as much as it annoyed me, I know I will be more than ready for his stinky armpit in a few months.

8. On the way home Robert pulled me close and played with my hair all the way home.

9. Ella made her noise for me when I came home. Someday I will share her noise with you. It’s a one-of-a-kind noise that always gets a smile.

10. I am home. I have my music playing LOUD. The house is quiet outside my ears. I know there are loved ones everywhere thinking of me, and it makes me feel so elated inside because it makes them that much closer. I am becoming a bigger person every day. I currently take up three or four states. I am big because you are taking me everywhere. If there is a time that one of us feels small love can inflate us.

P.S. Don’t worry Rose. You always make the list.


I liked the kool aid wine the best.






All of Scott's coworkers/friends sang happy birthday to him.

Here you go mom

Meme from mom:


1.) If you were a piece of fruit, what kind would you choose to be and why?

A pear. I think we've been through this explanation before.

2.) If you were an animal (other than a human) what animal would you be and why?

A vegetarian hyena. It used to offend me when others said I sound like a hyena when I laugh. Now I just shrug. So what? I'm laughing.

3.) If you were a writer, who and why?

Me! Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am a fantabulous writer.

4.) If you were a painter, who and why?

Once again I think I'm fairly good. I do wish I had a better grasp of the basics, but I am doing quite well for somebody who never took an art class. I'm taking one now though ; )

5.) If you could live over again, would you?

As a different person? Probably not. I love everything that this human shell has brought me: my family, gifts, experiences and miracles. Let the wind take me wherever it wants to.

Would I do it all over again? No, I am anxious to see what tomorrow brings. If you think about it I am a big cluster of yesterdays. Living my life over again would be too simple. I wouldn't have to step out of myself at all.

The Attack of Roseosaurus

Some nights I dream of dinosaurs.

Tagged by Sandy

MY TOP 10 FAVORITE* PICTURES

*I have very few pictures of myself under the age of 18.




(Mom and I) The poor woman was just trying to have a beer. Honestly mom, I was going to put up that sexy old time photo, but I couldn't resist making asses out of ourselves.



(weird boy behind me is my brother, Rusty) I think I went as myself many Halloweens as a child. The 'freak' look was effortless for me. Ok ok it still is.



This photo proves that I can be a lady sometimes. This is my inner yin.



(third from right) But honestly I'm just one of the boys. I like dirt more than I like lip gloss but shhh, please don't tell.



(Louis and I) How can this not be a favorite? We are proof that goofy is hot.



(Pops and I) He taught me most of my moves. I'm sure he learned them from his hairdresser.



(Sexy nerd muffin and I) This was in Guatemala right after a horse kicked him and broke his foot. I found out that day that love weighs more than an elephant!




My ex was a photographer. Many of the pictures he took of me are my top favorites. This one remains my favorite, even to this day. I like it because I look like I belong to the water.



(Hayden and I) Knocking back some drinks with my nephew, Hayden. This picture always makes me laugh.



Did I mention that my mom is also a talented photographer? I bet most of you already know this. Whenever I start to hate how I look I take out one of the pictures she took of me and I smile because she always makes me look good.

Who to tag? I would love to tag Robin, because I know there's pictures of her out there somewhere and I would love to see them. I also tag you momalou .