Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Tripping

I tried something new last night. Lately I have been struggling with tiny but all consuming spurts of sadness and stress. I have a great life, don’t get me wrong, but the stress is breaking me down. I haven’t been able to get through the day without tiny stresses that all but stop my breathing when added up. I am trying to slow down and stop blaming myself for everything. I am trying to count my blessings without tripping over them and cussing them out. Yesterday Robert came up with the idea of counting these blessings. Surely this idea has hit me before.

Didn’t I use to keep journals just for this very thing?
Yes.
When did they stop?
When I wadded up God and put her in a box full of old fads and the pieces of myself that required effort to fit.
Did I get too busy to pinpoint the exact moments of happiness in my life?
Yes.

Yesterday’s blessings were hard to come by. I felt them inside me. I knew they were there. But for every positive thing I had a negative thing to match it. Every time a negative thing would slip out, Robert would shout “two more positive things”! Instead of getting closer, 10 just kept getting further away.
Today was impossibly easy. Tonight I will share my blessings with you. Don’t be surprised if I get carried away.

1. I woke up. Not only did I wake up, but Robert was the first person I saw. He smiled when I touched his face. Sleep couldn’t keep my presence away.

2. My new hair dryer blew me away. Literally. It also has attachments. I have no idea what the hell they are for but it’s absolutely adorable to watch Robert attach them and make rocket noises.

3. Robert made me and the girlios pink pancakes. They looked like the results of a Pepto-Bismol truck after smacking into a bakery, but damn they were good and they made us all smile.

4. Robert took a picture that made me all fuzzy inside, like a new tennis ball. That’s the best kind of fuzzy.



5. Tennis was outstanding. I practiced on the backboard, and I can honestly say that I kicked its ass. I can still feel a few shots right now, hours and hours later.

6. I ate dinner with Scott and Robert at Olive Garden. We tried about four different wines, shared a chocolate martini and ate, laughed and talked ourselves silly. I was amazed at all the people who came to wish him goodbye (he used to work there). It was crazy awesome to see how many people had fallen in love with him during his short stay in KC.

7. I got more than a one armed man hug from Scott. Words cannot describe this. He then stuck his armpit in my face, and as much as it annoyed me, I know I will be more than ready for his stinky armpit in a few months.

8. On the way home Robert pulled me close and played with my hair all the way home.

9. Ella made her noise for me when I came home. Someday I will share her noise with you. It’s a one-of-a-kind noise that always gets a smile.

10. I am home. I have my music playing LOUD. The house is quiet outside my ears. I know there are loved ones everywhere thinking of me, and it makes me feel so elated inside because it makes them that much closer. I am becoming a bigger person every day. I currently take up three or four states. I am big because you are taking me everywhere. If there is a time that one of us feels small love can inflate us.

P.S. Don’t worry Rose. You always make the list.


I liked the kool aid wine the best.






All of Scott's coworkers/friends sang happy birthday to him.




9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awesome Pictures! I love you Hannah, You're the best sister a stinky arm pitted guy could ever have. ( I mean that in a good way)
Scott

the walking man said...

Only three or four states? I had you pegged for at least as big hearted as the continent.

Anonymous said...

Sniff Sniff, Wag Wag, I am glad I made the list. Sniff, Sniff, Can we cuddle, Sniff, Wag.

Pepper McKean said...

I am blessed to have someone like you in my life. All the hell we went through and all of the tears I cried for fear of losing you. I can say, honestly, I am so proud of you.

What you have overcome, how you have struggled to become the person you are today....

You need add a number 11 to your list. You don't realize what a strong person you are. A lot of people would have given up and taken the easy route but not you.

That is what happened to you by people who were suppose to care. A lot of people gave up on you and took the easy route. Label her, medicate her, and place her in the pile of discarded lives.

You are my Phoenix.

I could add to this list. I could make this list into a story but that is something you will do on your own. As time passes you will see all that I see.

Mom woke me up to read this. She scared the hell out of me because she had tears in her eyes. She said you have to read what is on the computer. I started reading it with one eye closed, then the other opened up, and I sat there in front of the computer, crying along with mom.

I just don't have the words to express all of what I am feeling. You are all I wanted in a daughter, and then you give me more.

I love you.

Jon said...

This is a good exercise... I haven't had to go through it in a while now... things are going OK for the time being... but I know there's peeks and valleys...

I noticed that you list Gibran as a fav author... if you're ever having a crappy day i suggest you take a look at THE BROKEN WINGS... it's got that thing that only Gibran can do... the most gutwrentching sorrow to the point that all you can see is beauty and light... he's amazing...

A saying of his:

"The difficulty we meet with in reaching our goals is the shortest path to it."

Robin said...

For a mother to say... 'You are my Phoenix'... well, that's another blessing.

I've always found the exercise of counting good things rather useless (as defeatist as that sounds), but I may try again tonight and see if I come up with a different result.

I've also rectified a wrong you brought my attention to. Thanks for letting me know, Girl...

~R

Jon said...

Hi again... just dropped through a couple days later... wanted to say hi again too... hate hitting site without leaving a mark...

:-)

PEACE TO YOU

JP

noisysmile said...

scott the snot: I can't believe you're all the way in arizona. sometimes when I walk past a decaying piece of roadkill the smell makes me all nostalgic inside because it reminds me of you.

twm: I do not think I could carry around a heart that big. I would have to detach the silly thing and put a leash on it.

rose: oh rosie posie I love you. And I love you too robert ; )

mom: you're going to make me cry, but I assure you it's in a GOOD way. I lurvvve you!

hopper: I will have to look that up. I have a book of his complete works, but the book has super thin pages. It's always discouraged me from reading it too much. Now's the time! And thank you for leaving a hello. Peace to you too.

Robin: I'm curious to see a list of your blessings. Perhaps you can share someday.

Sornie said...

I am jealous that you got to eat at Olive Garden. Lucky you. Off to my crappy ham sandwich here.