But yes, no bitching

Recently (ok yesterday or Sunday) I started something new. The whole recognizing my blessings thing is working fine. It’s become more of an inside thing most days because Robert usually falls asleep (no big deal, I understand). But more than anything I am finding out that it takes more than just once a day. Honestly my mind goes 326 miles an hour on average, and if I don’t watch out, everything becomes a monotonous whirl of self-degradation. I am realizing, hopefully before it’s too late, that I am either A. my mother, B. my father, or C. a control freak. So, how do I approach this problem? Well after much consideration (a few hours, remarkable based on my impulses) I have decided to tackle my control issues. I know that A. my mother is only slightly a control freak and B. my father is just a freak (God bless his as(soul)). Someday I truly have hope that my mother and father will not be surprised by me. My mother reads my blogs and I read them to my father, but they are still surprised by who I really am. I can’t be sure, but I think they are surprised by themselves too. Maybe this is the way to go.

Back to the subject of control. Yesterday (or the day before) I decided to tackle my control issues with control. You heard me. Why not? Control is eating me up. Why not turn cannibalistic on its ass. So my first step? To quit bitching. But no way, that’s not possible. I’m a woman. But yes, no bitching. So far it’s been f*cking tough wonderful. I have found that I have so little to say. Even more amazing is just how many people have picked up on this without knowing it (now you do). It’s awesome. I think I’m becoming (or at least feeling like) one of those wise old farts who never say anything, but then I find a deserted bathroom and laugh until my eyeliner wanders. It’s definitely been healing. Two days into this and I think I might be hooked. So where does all the negativity go? I’ve been trying (for quite awhile) to find constructive ways that do not include words. My art room has a treadmill and I find it comforting to run a little, paint a little, repeat. I think of it as getting rid of all the toxins. It’s been working amazingly well. With yesterday’s (or the day before) addition it might just take off and be the perfect combo for balance.

I do not know why it’s been so hard to find balance lately. This is my scheduled year of change, but I find myself still the same. Maybe it will be like the last scheduled year of change, and I will not notice until much later. But perhaps balance is so hard to reach because of all the change. But it should be easy too, because all the bumps in the past few years have been pebbles, with the exception of you, scott! Your move was a freaking speed bump totally awesome; I’m proud of you!

On a different note: who’s going to flush this toilet faster? Obama or Mccain? Wow we really got the pick of the litter, huh ________? Crap I can’t find anything positive to say.

We are so misinformed. Oh well, we asked for this.

fantastic!

Everything is aok right now. I’m taking a moment to breathe (first time today). I am beginning the final tests for my education degree in addition to taking a zillion ASL/signed English classes. I’m feeling a little restless and crazy stressed, but having everything mapped out for the next year and a half is definitely helping out. I’m not sure what I will do after I finish my education degree (spring 2010). I am thinking about several options. I am interested in substituting until I finish my ASL degree, but I’m also thinking about getting my masters in special ed. or english. I begin observing next week. I will be observing a class for pregnant teenagers. This class is actually within the school. It’s a brand new program that they’re trying out. I am also observing regular english classes and various types of special ed.

I have also stumbled upon a very interesting approach to painting. I cannot tell you my secret, but I hope it’s a good one. I will say that I have found a crazy way to integrate air into the paint. It’s very cool. Very loud. Very abstract. I plan on posting pictures when the paintings dry.

Tennis has been fantastic. I’ve been keeping up with running and yoga (barely), and today I actually beat someone I thought I’d never be able to beat.

OH AND THE BIGGEST BADDEST MOST SUPER FANTASTIC AMAZING NEWS OF ALL???? I found Louis again (ok he found me thanks to myspace). It feels awesome knowing where all my brothers are. Totally awesome. I am complete. He is doing excellent, living in Tampa, going to drag shows without me. AND he is getting married! Who is he getting married to? Robert! Yes, he has a Robert too. Unbelievable, but true. I hope this guy is a winner. I hope that this burst of happiness is 100% and lasts.

So, yes everything is aok. No, wait, it’s fantastic!

Dear Giant Breakfast Phenomenon on the Side of the Road,

thank you for being the most delicious roadside art I ever seen. how can I not appreciate your tackiness when it always makes me laugh out loud? as much as I wish you would disappear (I'm sure there's a concrete omelet with your name on it), I cannot help but applaud your fantastic ugliness.


and thank you, mom, for finally capturing this wonderful atrocity.

When God gives you lemons. . .

FIND A NEW GOD!


Recently my computer bit the dust. After being exposed to my fists, late night triscuit snacking, and random attacks by my nose (laughter, folks) it finally died. I have been occasionally using Robert’s computer, but it’s not the same. I do not like the bare wall that faces me, the glass top that covers his desk or the lack of familiarity. My desk sits across from Robert’s, and even though it’s on the other side of the room, it’s a totally different world. I have colorful metaphysical maps, pictures of my family, an M&M dispenser (very important), random books and journals and most importantly, my Buddha. It’s a very colorful and peaceful world on that side. Robert’s side, however, is all business. He’s usually got multiple computers that he’s working on scattered about. Papers and textbooks take up the rest of the space. It’s an uncomfortable setup for me.
He’s also got the 2007 version of Microsoft Office which PISSES me off. I can’t get through a damn poem or paper without the damn thing changing text, font, spacing etc. on me. Finally there is the problem of actually getting on the blasted thing. If Robert hasn’t done something to the silly thing that requires it to have absolutely no human contact, he is usually on it, working. Because I have no computer I will be blogging quite a bit less until I get one. I will not be able to afford another computer until I graduate college. Why? Well folks, I got fired, so my new plan is to take classes out my ears until I finish this damn thing. Straight through. That means no job. BUT I will get on now and then to keep up with all of you.
Until then, Peace!

P.S. the dogs are fine now

roots

I cannot take you back to the very beginning of my musical background. I do not know where it even begins. I have known music as long as I’ve known my mother, even before that I’m sure. She knew music longer than she knew herself, and it was through music that I came to know her. It is no big surprise to see music in my actions, only to realize that the music is actually fragments of everyone I know and feel and love passionately. I am reminded of these people everyday when a particular chord, voice, note, inflection or rumble claims me. Often I am shaken. I have felt the cold hands of a dying friend through a song, the kiss of someone wrong, of someone lost, the shudder of a bird’s silent thump on my windshield, violations against my spirit, first dates and cancer smeared goodbyes. I can smell my grandmother’s cooking in the fantastic explosion of violin and piano; her very presence is evident in the melodic quiet of Jim Reeves and the simple power of Patsy Cline. Tchaikovsky, Bach, Mozart, Verdi and Dvorak became a part of me through her, and whenever a particular piece is blared or subtly whispered to me I not only think of her, I feel her. This is what music does to me, says to me. It captivates, haunts, thrills and teaches me.

Sometimes it smothers me, and although I rebel against its power, it is without guilt that I admit that I often put myself inside it and do not come out until a part of me is stronger or less foolish. My mother surrounded me with its force but did not use it as a weapon. She fed me lullabies and sad folk songs, and it satiated me. She gave me roots to cling to until I could find and nourish my own. I feel like my mother’s music is a part of me.


My father’s music, however, always felt like something I wanted to be a part of but never could. He is a musician, and not the loud honky tonk bar type, but the real deal. This always intimidated me. Recently I let it go, but when a certain song slips inside me I can still feel the jealousy, the want to be what he wants me to be. It’s a knot of organ chords and sax riffs tightly wound with the veins of a deep and soulful jazz orchestra. Certain songs take me back to the nights I spent watching him play. The bars were always dark and dusty, but the cokes never came without a thick wedge of lime. Even as a child I could see an excitement about my father that rarely existed anywhere else. He was born to entertain, and he did so with crazy gusto. His music provided the information I needed to understand the different sides of him. I thought I knew him through music, but I was proven wrong. Music can only show me who he is when it surrounds him. I barely know the truest part of him, the struggle of melody fighting to take over a human body, and the fight is only a whisper when he is not performing.

My musical tastes vary, and sometimes even clash. So many people have influenced my love for music. My mom gave me the love of folk, of simple voices and funky beats. My father gave me jazz, wailing voices and a hunger for big bands and even bigger voices. A Hammond b3 can put me in my place or take the floor out from under me. My grandmother gave me the power of instrumental magic and the beauty of old time country. Scott introduced me to rap, bass, percussion and lyrics. In my first year of living alone I discovered choral, gospel and hip hop music. I have roots now, and they have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with who means the most.

I have added a playlist at the bottom of my blog with many of my favorites. Enjoy!

But till that morning there's a'nothing can harm you

It has been a tough but surprisingly satisfying summer. Working 50+ hours a week + tennis + classes was a little on the exhausting side, but I feel like I had a much more productive summer than the last. Would I do it over? Absolutely not. Ok maybe. I feel a lot stronger and confident with not only my tennis game, but also with myself. I threw out my scale at the beginning of the summer and haven’t looked back. My life is so much better without it. Two rootbeers in two days? Sure, why the hell not? I’m not jumping on the scale, only to leap off crying and forcing myself into a brutal exercise regimen. 10+ hours of tennis a week is enough. I am fine with myself right now. Even happy at times.
It’s been tough around here. Sure, there have been a few freebies like new tennis partners and discovering the best rootbeer in the world, but it’s been fairly tough. About two weeks ago Rose started throwing up. This was followed by severe diarrhea. As we scrambled to call the vet Ella lost control too. After calling the vet Robert and I brainstormed, going through everything they could have eaten during the three day period of their complications. It came down to their dog food, Nutro. Robert immediately researched it and found out that there was a problem with the food. Most of the problems (and there were many) were kidney and liver oriented. The first blood tests showed that Rose was fine, with only an elevated temperature, but something in Ella’s kidney levels were raised. We took them back today and Rose is still fine, but Ella’s levels have gone up. No kidney failure, just a high concentration of ammonia. She is taking more medication, which we are hoping will cure the problem. I have noticed a droop to her loveliness, but overall she is acting like a happy dog, joyful growl noises and all. The vet is 100% on our side, which is amazing, because it would be hard to face this alone.
I also have had more trouble with my eyes. I take fantastic care of them so I don’t know what the deal is. White specks keep appearing. I learned today that they’re called corneal infiltrations. Not ulcers like I feared thankfully, but I will have to completely change my contacts and keep wearing my glasses (not a fan).
To top things off I also had a few complications with my job. I’m not sure where I stand with the family although I did absolutely nothing wrong. I only expected to get paid. I’m not sure I will get to babysit for them again. It’s sad enough knowing that I won’t get to see them everyday, but even worse to think I may have lost them.
It’s been a long summer.
Tomorrow I will have a fantastic post. Promise! I will also visit you all tomorrow.

gripes

Last week was waaay too long. I played tennis five times, babysat every day (and one night), went to class, hung out with friends both Friday and Saturday night and even managed to flood my boss' house (not my fault thankfully).

Today I am bordering on freaking out and falling asleep. I am slightly dehydrated and sick from eating strange food two days in a row. I also have 4+ hours of tennis and running this afternoon outside in 105+ heat. I can't cancel because I had to cancel on these people last weekend when I was sick. So if I make it through today I am going to take myself to my favorite salad bar and pig out.

Next week should be a tad bit easier.

book love

I have a brand new 2nd favorite book. This is a serious honor. My previous 2nd favorite book, sand and foam by kahlil gibran, inspired me to start writing poetry. I thought nothing could replace it. Until now.

I am going to give you a particular piece that blew me away and left me completely and totally in love.

"Dear God. Not only am I unemployed and homeless, but I also have a pregnant woman, bereaved dog, elephant, and eleven horses to take care of."

This book, Water For Elephants, by Sara Gruen, is extraordinary.

Another book that I have read recently, A Three Dog Life by Abigail Thomas, is also quite exceptional. Sad, but poetically and emotionally outstanding. Thank you Robin. Abigail Thomas isn't stuck on the memoir shelf with the other truths. She has made it to a higher place, if there is such a thing, and that is the shelf that I visit everyday. The shelf that holds dave eggers, stephen dunn, kenneth patchen and shel silverstein.

if only I could alphabetize silence

The girlios are grounded for the next few days. Not just plain ol’ regular grounded, but BIG TIME grounded. I’m not going to go into details about why they are grounded. To make a long and boring story short they lied a big time lie to their mom. There will be no Oceans of Fun this week. There will be no electronic devices including video games, ipods, and tv. This will make for an interesting (and hopefully) peaceful few days. I am not a fan of the video games. They each have their own, but they share the games that go in them, and after about one car ride I usually take them away because they are fighting over them or will not control the volume. I don’t care about their ipods usually. Hannah Montana sounds so much better when I can barely hear her. There is a but however. There always is. Taylor rarely uses her ipod, preferring my music to hers (this is what I choose to believe). This creates chaos in my car. Why? Tiffany likes to sing along with Hannah Montana, and when you combine this with Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Taylor’s attempt at singing along with them you have the sudden need to jump out the window fast. So am I happy about the no ipod rule? Yes. T.V. doesn’t usually bother me either. The only time they watch any is in the morning or when I hand it out like it’s a privilege. I admit that there has been a time or two that I have turned it on to distract them, but that was when the washing machine broke or I had a floor to scrub. Even if I am not watching it, I am usually the first to tire of it. I am fine with the Backyardigans. I also, begrudgingly, let them watch Sponge Bob. I do this because they love the stupid show. They LOVE it. If Dora comes on, however, I don’t care if the washing machine is overflowing. The tv is going OFF. I HATE Dora. Her voice is worse than the sound of 1000 lawn mowers making love with each other to the music of an ice cream truck.

Today has been peaceful so far. It’s been two hours and there has only been one incident of pinching. Because the girls are grounded they are required to stay within my sight for the entire day. Oddly enough they don’t mind this punishment. They are content to curl up with the dogs in a pile of coloring books, crayons and mushy tennis balls, moving the entire mess like a giant ranibow colored slug whenever I start another task. Occasionally I join the pile. If I do laundry they are given the strenuous task of folding socks. Strenuous? Surely not. Yes, strenuous. Robert has socks with varying stages of DSD. DSD is Degenerative Sock Disorder. If a sock with little or no elasticity ends up with a brand new sock the results require more work from the sock team (Tiff and Tay). It is somewhat similar to pairing an old woman with a young man or vice versus. One sock is going to get left behind (usually the older one), while the younger goes in search for a new mate. I kid you not, Robert does this. I have found old, single socks everywhere. He doesn’t mind holey underwear, but by God his socks better not have DSD.

I am also still sick today. Robert told me that if he finds out I have done anything (even laundry), he will dump a big cup of water on me (he is currently at an interview for school) . This creates a problem. I am A. not the type to sit around and B. itching to alphabetize. I do not know if anyone else shares this same itch, but it involves a strong desire to organize anything and everything into alphabetical order. Sometimes I will take apart a section of books: novels, memoirs, poetry and alphabetize them by the author’s middle name (this involves research), and at the end of the day put them back the way they were. The linen closet aka the toiletries closet has become a mess only spiders can love. The lavender shampoo is crammed up next to the secret (ok not so secret) stash of sugar scrub, and GASP Robert’s manly stuff has invaded the corner reserved just for flashy pink hair products.

My desk is also needing TLC. Not necessarily alphabetical TLC, just some leveling and perhaps a team of professionals specializing in hazardous waste. I’m fairly certain that it’s more than abc gum that binds the mountain of books, cds, and papers together. When I found my mouse the other day I realized I had no place for it. Thanks to a book in my lap the problem is temporarily solved. But something needs to be done soon or I will have to relocate to the floor. You know, now that I think about it that’s not such a bad idea.

Roseosaurus meets her match

I am sick : ( Sinus issues. Nothing big. My head is really foggy though, and putting together more than a couple sentences is bordering on the impossible. I have a semi-decent (dash or no dash) post I am working on, but it's been put on the back burner. Robert has been a saint. I got sick Friday night, and it has been nothing but tea and cuddles since then. We also went out today and bought a roomba at a store nearby that was having a closing sale. If you haven't seen one of these things in action I suggest you put it on your list of priorities! Esp. if you have dogs. Rose and Ella thought that they could hide under the coffee table, but the roomba found them! I told Robert that the roomba was going to have a difficult time figuring out if the girls were big wads of hair or actual furniture.

Wow you can tell that I've had an eventful weekend. It started out so big too. On Friday night, Robert and I grabbed some delicious mexican food and headed for the train tracks. We had a picnic less than ten feet away from the tracks with Rose and Ella tucked in close to us. Next thing you know I'm sick and we're laughing our cabooses off at some silly vacuum as it chases our dogs around, trying to clean them.

Tripping

I tried something new last night. Lately I have been struggling with tiny but all consuming spurts of sadness and stress. I have a great life, don’t get me wrong, but the stress is breaking me down. I haven’t been able to get through the day without tiny stresses that all but stop my breathing when added up. I am trying to slow down and stop blaming myself for everything. I am trying to count my blessings without tripping over them and cussing them out. Yesterday Robert came up with the idea of counting these blessings. Surely this idea has hit me before.

Didn’t I use to keep journals just for this very thing?
Yes.
When did they stop?
When I wadded up God and put her in a box full of old fads and the pieces of myself that required effort to fit.
Did I get too busy to pinpoint the exact moments of happiness in my life?
Yes.

Yesterday’s blessings were hard to come by. I felt them inside me. I knew they were there. But for every positive thing I had a negative thing to match it. Every time a negative thing would slip out, Robert would shout “two more positive things”! Instead of getting closer, 10 just kept getting further away.
Today was impossibly easy. Tonight I will share my blessings with you. Don’t be surprised if I get carried away.

1. I woke up. Not only did I wake up, but Robert was the first person I saw. He smiled when I touched his face. Sleep couldn’t keep my presence away.

2. My new hair dryer blew me away. Literally. It also has attachments. I have no idea what the hell they are for but it’s absolutely adorable to watch Robert attach them and make rocket noises.

3. Robert made me and the girlios pink pancakes. They looked like the results of a Pepto-Bismol truck after smacking into a bakery, but damn they were good and they made us all smile.

4. Robert took a picture that made me all fuzzy inside, like a new tennis ball. That’s the best kind of fuzzy.



5. Tennis was outstanding. I practiced on the backboard, and I can honestly say that I kicked its ass. I can still feel a few shots right now, hours and hours later.

6. I ate dinner with Scott and Robert at Olive Garden. We tried about four different wines, shared a chocolate martini and ate, laughed and talked ourselves silly. I was amazed at all the people who came to wish him goodbye (he used to work there). It was crazy awesome to see how many people had fallen in love with him during his short stay in KC.

7. I got more than a one armed man hug from Scott. Words cannot describe this. He then stuck his armpit in my face, and as much as it annoyed me, I know I will be more than ready for his stinky armpit in a few months.

8. On the way home Robert pulled me close and played with my hair all the way home.

9. Ella made her noise for me when I came home. Someday I will share her noise with you. It’s a one-of-a-kind noise that always gets a smile.

10. I am home. I have my music playing LOUD. The house is quiet outside my ears. I know there are loved ones everywhere thinking of me, and it makes me feel so elated inside because it makes them that much closer. I am becoming a bigger person every day. I currently take up three or four states. I am big because you are taking me everywhere. If there is a time that one of us feels small love can inflate us.

P.S. Don’t worry Rose. You always make the list.


I liked the kool aid wine the best.






All of Scott's coworkers/friends sang happy birthday to him.

Here you go mom

Meme from mom:


1.) If you were a piece of fruit, what kind would you choose to be and why?

A pear. I think we've been through this explanation before.

2.) If you were an animal (other than a human) what animal would you be and why?

A vegetarian hyena. It used to offend me when others said I sound like a hyena when I laugh. Now I just shrug. So what? I'm laughing.

3.) If you were a writer, who and why?

Me! Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am a fantabulous writer.

4.) If you were a painter, who and why?

Once again I think I'm fairly good. I do wish I had a better grasp of the basics, but I am doing quite well for somebody who never took an art class. I'm taking one now though ; )

5.) If you could live over again, would you?

As a different person? Probably not. I love everything that this human shell has brought me: my family, gifts, experiences and miracles. Let the wind take me wherever it wants to.

Would I do it all over again? No, I am anxious to see what tomorrow brings. If you think about it I am a big cluster of yesterdays. Living my life over again would be too simple. I wouldn't have to step out of myself at all.

The Attack of Roseosaurus

Some nights I dream of dinosaurs.

Tagged by Sandy

MY TOP 10 FAVORITE* PICTURES

*I have very few pictures of myself under the age of 18.




(Mom and I) The poor woman was just trying to have a beer. Honestly mom, I was going to put up that sexy old time photo, but I couldn't resist making asses out of ourselves.



(weird boy behind me is my brother, Rusty) I think I went as myself many Halloweens as a child. The 'freak' look was effortless for me. Ok ok it still is.



This photo proves that I can be a lady sometimes. This is my inner yin.



(third from right) But honestly I'm just one of the boys. I like dirt more than I like lip gloss but shhh, please don't tell.



(Louis and I) How can this not be a favorite? We are proof that goofy is hot.



(Pops and I) He taught me most of my moves. I'm sure he learned them from his hairdresser.



(Sexy nerd muffin and I) This was in Guatemala right after a horse kicked him and broke his foot. I found out that day that love weighs more than an elephant!




My ex was a photographer. Many of the pictures he took of me are my top favorites. This one remains my favorite, even to this day. I like it because I look like I belong to the water.



(Hayden and I) Knocking back some drinks with my nephew, Hayden. This picture always makes me laugh.



Did I mention that my mom is also a talented photographer? I bet most of you already know this. Whenever I start to hate how I look I take out one of the pictures she took of me and I smile because she always makes me look good.

Who to tag? I would love to tag Robin, because I know there's pictures of her out there somewhere and I would love to see them. I also tag you momalou .

Word Love

CACHINNATE

verb

To express amusement, mirth, or scorn by smiling and emitting loud, inarticulate sounds: cackle, guffaw, laugh. Informal heehaw.

This word makes me think of my mom.

I'm here

I have been in the dumps lately. I haven't posted anything because I know I'll start talking smack about someone, and if I do, it will most likely be the first time they visit my blog. You know how that goes. I have been waiting patiently for positve energy to come my way, but I have a feeling that I'm going to have to take charge and go find it.

I didn't even celebrate yesterday. Well, we went out to some quack Indian place. The mango lassi was the only thing to write home about.

I think I'm going to cancel tennis today so we can take the girls out to the country. We're going to buy some cheap fireworks. I'm sure that after I blow a few things up I will be in a much better mood. I'm mostly looking forward to taking off my shoes and running as fast as I can until I cannot breathe. This type of run can only be accomplished if A. I am in the country and B. the girls are right there, running alongside me.

I have been visiting blogs, trust me, but a few of you have lengthy posts that I want to read but just do not have the attention span for right now.

Tomorrow I will put things behind me. Today could be the day that love is realized, and then the weight will be lifted. Hope can be such a knife in the heart sometimes.

another npr goodie

Now who does this group remind you of? Think way back. Aren't their harmonies stunning?



White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes

time to laugh!

I'm sure you'll watch this over and over again.

I particularly enjoyed the corporal cuddling and cat yodeling.

You may be super stinky but I love you!

Wow, today has been rough and it's not even halfway over. The activities I planned today have one by one been deleted due to a cranky 5 year old who does NOT want to clean her room. I was informed that Little T is grounded until her room is clean. Unfortunately that means that Big T and I suffer along with her. Big T has a friend over, however, and I am definitely NOT invited to play with them. Sometimes little girly games do not involve big people. Oh well.

My brother, Scott the Snot, also called with EXCITING but equally devastating news. He currently lives 20 minutes away and I get to see him almost every month. He informed me today that he is moving to Arizona. I definitely won't get to see him every month once he moves. I may sound choosy when I say this, but it is true. Scott has always been my favorite. Even when he went through the stage of not wanting a little sister tagging around (that lasted waaay too long by the way).

He will not be the first brother I have lost. Greg disappeared in 97'. I haven't heard from him since. Rusty joined the Navy after high school and now lives in Washington. I haven't seen him in almost three years. And of course there is Louis. Louis was not my real brother. Nope, not at all. We met each other while selling shoes at a mall in Springfield, MO. We became instant friends and remained attached at the hip for a couple of years as he went from one bad relationship to another. At one point he asked me quite seriously if I could be his sister. He had previously been a Jehovah's Witness, and because of his sexuality could not maintain contact with any of his siblings. His entire family dropped him like a hot rock when he ever so boldly revealed his true self.

I, of course, would never turn down such an offer! Another brother? What could be cooler? What's even more amazing is how well he got along with all my friends and family. My mom has always understood who my closest friends are. She treated my best friend in high school, Denny, just like she was her own daughter. She did the same for Louis. There isn't a doubt in my mind that Louis and I were meant to be family. Not a single doubt.

Shortly after I moved to the KC area he disappeared. Vanished. POOF! I receieved an email from him several months ago though and he said that he had moved to Florida and was doing fine. I gave him my number, email and home addresses and remain attached to my myspace account, but it has been far too long. I remain concerned, wondering if he is happy, wondering if he's safe and loved. Whenever he went through the worst spells in his previous relationships he grew distant from me. He knew I disapproved of anyone who didn't treat him like the angel he is. I try to stay away from that worry, that he is in another bad relationship, and perhaps that is the reason he hasn't contacted me. Honestly, and sadly enough I secretly hope that he has found an amazing person and is living such a grand life that he has forgotten about me. Why? Because if he is in another bad relationship it would be a terrible reason not to keep in touch.

And so here I am again, facing another loss. I should be good at goodbyes by now, but I am just as bad at them as I was with the first. I know I'll get to see him here and there, and I also understand that he needs to grow and that I need to be patient and supportive and know that this new path is part of the growth.

Oddly enough, before he called with the news I was listening to one of my favorite songs by my favorite artist. As always it made me tear up a little and question whether I hold on too tight to loved ones. When Scott called the lyrics came back to me and I had a few tough minutes. I'm holding my head up high though now and applauding my wonderful yet stinky AND ugly brother on his new journey. I know I've told him this a thousand billion kazillion times but here you go again Scott: I love you!

Here's the song.

Every Minute

by Sara Groves

I am long on staying • I am slow to leave • Especially when it comes to you my friend • You have taught me slow down • And to prop up my feet • It's the fine art of being who I am • • And I can't figure out • Why you want me around • I'm not the smartest person I have ever met • But somehow that doesn't matter • No it never really mattered to you at all • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • • And I can think of a time when families all lived together • Four generations in one house • And the table was full of good food • And friends and neighbors • That's not how we like it now • • Cause if you sit at home you're a loser • Couldn't you find anything better to do • Well no I couldn't think of one thing • I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • • And I wish all the people I love the most • Could gather in one place • And know each other and love each other well • • And I wish we could all go camping • And lay beneath the stars • And have nothing to do and stories to tell • We'd sit around the campfire • And we'd make each other laugh remembering when • You're the first one I'm inviting • Always know that you're my friend • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • Every moment and every minute that you'll give me • Every moment and every minute that you'll give me • Every minute • •

needing some sleep

I'm too tired to sleep : (

P.S. Mom I hope to see another post from you soon. I'm sure we all would : )

1. I love... progress.
2. Right now. . . I am tired and incredibly sore.
3. I feel like...a cranky monster.
4. I hate it when... I turn into a cranky monster.
5. I fear... the descent.
6. I’m lonely without... music.
7. I need... sleep.
8. Today I... ran, played tennis, and got a serious talkin’ to from a friend.
9. Tomorrow I’m... playing tennis, running errands, swimming, playing princess monopoly at least 40x and going to the dreaded yoga class.
10. I just... want some solid peace from my mind and all the itty bitty whiners.
11. I want to meet... Dave Eggers. Please?
12. I’m hungry for... nothing. I just ate.
13. I love it when... Robert demands that I do something relaxing. I pretend to secretly hate it, but it’s really cute to see him pointing fingers and breaking out the bubble bath.
14. I’m afraid of... um see 5
15. I’m listening to... the whirs of computers.
16. I’m wearing...
17. I wish I was in... a place that is cold.
18. I’m craving... sleep.
19. I want to get... a new racquet.
20. I can... run farther now.
21. I can’t... serve super good.
22. I have... very little patience.
23. I haven’t... got a lot of energy.
24. It makes me nervous to... say no.
25. My Mom thinks I’m... funny.
26. My Dad thinks I’m... always wrong BUT a good driver.
27. I think... I am a good person.
28. I’m happy when... I sweat.
29. I’m sad when... I have absolutely nothing to do.
30. I like eating... my food mixed.
31. I hate eating... without making sure everything is clean.
32. I love watching... ice road truckers.
33. I love listening to... the woods speak out in the country.
34. I like playing... tripoly
35. I hate waking up to... an obnoxious song.
36. I can see... success right around the corner.
37. I’m glad that... I have r.
38. I’m disappointed that... the weekend is over.
39. I look like... I’m tired…
40. I wish I looked like... I was a little more excited. Oh well maybe tomorrow.