Wow, today has been rough and it's not even halfway over. The activities I planned today have one by one been deleted due to a cranky 5 year old who does NOT want to clean her room. I was informed that Little T is grounded until her room is clean. Unfortunately that means that Big T and I suffer along with her. Big T has a friend over, however, and I am definitely NOT invited to play with them. Sometimes little girly games do not involve big people. Oh well.
My brother, Scott the Snot, also called with EXCITING but equally devastating news. He currently lives 20 minutes away and I get to see him almost every month. He informed me today that he is moving to Arizona. I definitely won't get to see him every month once he moves. I may sound choosy when I say this, but it is true. Scott has always been my favorite. Even when he went through the stage of not wanting a little sister tagging around (that lasted waaay too long by the way).
He will not be the first brother I have lost. Greg disappeared in 97'. I haven't heard from him since. Rusty joined the Navy after high school and now lives in Washington. I haven't seen him in almost three years. And of course there is Louis. Louis was not my real brother. Nope, not at all. We met each other while selling shoes at a mall in Springfield, MO. We became instant friends and remained attached at the hip for a couple of years as he went from one bad relationship to another. At one point he asked me quite seriously if I could be his sister. He had previously been a Jehovah's Witness, and because of his sexuality could not maintain contact with any of his siblings. His entire family dropped him like a hot rock when he ever so boldly revealed his true self.
I, of course, would never turn down such an offer! Another brother? What could be cooler? What's even more amazing is how well he got along with all my friends and family. My mom has always understood who my closest friends are. She treated my best friend in high school, Denny, just like she was her own daughter. She did the same for Louis. There isn't a doubt in my mind that Louis and I were meant to be family. Not a single doubt.
Shortly after I moved to the KC area he disappeared. Vanished. POOF! I receieved an email from him several months ago though and he said that he had moved to Florida and was doing fine. I gave him my number, email and home addresses and remain attached to my myspace account, but it has been far too long. I remain concerned, wondering if he is happy, wondering if he's safe and loved. Whenever he went through the worst spells in his previous relationships he grew distant from me. He knew I disapproved of anyone who didn't treat him like the angel he is. I try to stay away from that worry, that he is in another bad relationship, and perhaps that is the reason he hasn't contacted me. Honestly, and sadly enough I secretly hope that he has found an amazing person and is living such a grand life that he has forgotten about me. Why? Because if he is in another bad relationship it would be a terrible reason not to keep in touch.
And so here I am again, facing another loss. I should be good at goodbyes by now, but I am just as bad at them as I was with the first. I know I'll get to see him here and there, and I also understand that he needs to grow and that I need to be patient and supportive and know that this new path is part of the growth.
Oddly enough, before he called with the news I was listening to one of my favorite songs by my favorite artist. As always it made me tear up a little and question whether I hold on too tight to loved ones. When Scott called the lyrics came back to me and I had a few tough minutes. I'm holding my head up high though now and applauding my wonderful yet stinky AND ugly brother on his new journey. I know I've told him this a thousand billion kazillion times but here you go again Scott: I love you!
Here's the song.
Every Minute
by Sara Groves
I am long on staying • I am slow to leave • Especially when it comes to you my friend • You have taught me slow down • And to prop up my feet • It's the fine art of being who I am • • And I can't figure out • Why you want me around • I'm not the smartest person I have ever met • But somehow that doesn't matter • No it never really mattered to you at all • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • • And I can think of a time when families all lived together • Four generations in one house • And the table was full of good food • And friends and neighbors • That's not how we like it now • • Cause if you sit at home you're a loser • Couldn't you find anything better to do • Well no I couldn't think of one thing • I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • • And I wish all the people I love the most • Could gather in one place • And know each other and love each other well • • And I wish we could all go camping • And lay beneath the stars • And have nothing to do and stories to tell • We'd sit around the campfire • And we'd make each other laugh remembering when • You're the first one I'm inviting • Always know that you're my friend • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • Every moment and every minute that you'll give me • Every moment and every minute that you'll give me • Every minute • •
SATURDAY FLASHBACK ... SCHOOL PRINCIPAL
2 days ago
4 comments:
You are such a caring person. Your family is lucky to have you.
Sweetie you are not losing anyone. In a heartbeat I will be with you if you should need me.
You have been through so much in your teenage years. Things happened to you that very few teenagers experience. It was your decision not to follow the path you were on. In the process you had to move on, leave family behind, and embark upon a new journey. You had to overcome not only your fears and insecurities but you had adults telling you that you wouldn't make it. Remember what you were told while you were finishing high school by a "school official?" You told her that your plans were to go to college and that you were wanting to go to UMKC and she told you it wouldn't happen.
What is interesting is when you started your jouney and you left family behind you found out that your family was always with you. We will always be with you.
Now it is Scott's turn to start his journey. To start fresh, begin school, and to make changes. I am so happy that you are so supportive of him but he isn't like Greg or Louis. He will not slip away never to be heard from again. He will always be your stinky brother.
In all of this sadness of seeing your brother embark upon his journey there is a bright light. You will know that Grandma and I will be in Tucson for the next 8 months. In August we will visit Rusty and in September we will be visiting you. If you and Robert decide to come visit us this Christmas then the family will be together again.
I am so happy that you are supporting your brother in this decision. I know you do it with sadness. You are right, the hardest part is saying goodbye but think about how great the hello will be.
It is sad that in this day and age that families move away. I was blessed to have parents that made my grandparents a part of my life, so even though they lived far away they knew me as I knew them so every hello was wonderful and every good-bye sad.
I love you babe. Hang in there.
Deducing from clues given openly, I would say your brother is the same age as my youngest child. It is a good age to be moving along, finding where the heart is so one can establish a home.
The beauty of the love you express so eloquently for your brothers, them MIA and them of known whereabouts, is that it transcends mere distance.
Keep your pugnacious chin up kid. Children that refuse to clean their rooms, sometimes offer a good objective lesson.
The love for you have for the people in your life could keep entire worlds afloat.
What you've written made me think of a book you might like. It's called, 'Maybe The Moon' by Armisted Maupin. If you find it and like it (and have never heard of the Tales of the City books), look them up too. (And don't forget 'A Three Dog Life". Summers awastin', ya know.
Hannah, God was in such a good mood when he fashioned you.
~R
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