But yes, no bitching

Recently (ok yesterday or Sunday) I started something new. The whole recognizing my blessings thing is working fine. It’s become more of an inside thing most days because Robert usually falls asleep (no big deal, I understand). But more than anything I am finding out that it takes more than just once a day. Honestly my mind goes 326 miles an hour on average, and if I don’t watch out, everything becomes a monotonous whirl of self-degradation. I am realizing, hopefully before it’s too late, that I am either A. my mother, B. my father, or C. a control freak. So, how do I approach this problem? Well after much consideration (a few hours, remarkable based on my impulses) I have decided to tackle my control issues. I know that A. my mother is only slightly a control freak and B. my father is just a freak (God bless his as(soul)). Someday I truly have hope that my mother and father will not be surprised by me. My mother reads my blogs and I read them to my father, but they are still surprised by who I really am. I can’t be sure, but I think they are surprised by themselves too. Maybe this is the way to go.

Back to the subject of control. Yesterday (or the day before) I decided to tackle my control issues with control. You heard me. Why not? Control is eating me up. Why not turn cannibalistic on its ass. So my first step? To quit bitching. But no way, that’s not possible. I’m a woman. But yes, no bitching. So far it’s been f*cking tough wonderful. I have found that I have so little to say. Even more amazing is just how many people have picked up on this without knowing it (now you do). It’s awesome. I think I’m becoming (or at least feeling like) one of those wise old farts who never say anything, but then I find a deserted bathroom and laugh until my eyeliner wanders. It’s definitely been healing. Two days into this and I think I might be hooked. So where does all the negativity go? I’ve been trying (for quite awhile) to find constructive ways that do not include words. My art room has a treadmill and I find it comforting to run a little, paint a little, repeat. I think of it as getting rid of all the toxins. It’s been working amazingly well. With yesterday’s (or the day before) addition it might just take off and be the perfect combo for balance.

I do not know why it’s been so hard to find balance lately. This is my scheduled year of change, but I find myself still the same. Maybe it will be like the last scheduled year of change, and I will not notice until much later. But perhaps balance is so hard to reach because of all the change. But it should be easy too, because all the bumps in the past few years have been pebbles, with the exception of you, scott! Your move was a freaking speed bump totally awesome; I’m proud of you!

On a different note: who’s going to flush this toilet faster? Obama or Mccain? Wow we really got the pick of the litter, huh ________? Crap I can’t find anything positive to say.

We are so misinformed. Oh well, we asked for this.

fantastic!

Everything is aok right now. I’m taking a moment to breathe (first time today). I am beginning the final tests for my education degree in addition to taking a zillion ASL/signed English classes. I’m feeling a little restless and crazy stressed, but having everything mapped out for the next year and a half is definitely helping out. I’m not sure what I will do after I finish my education degree (spring 2010). I am thinking about several options. I am interested in substituting until I finish my ASL degree, but I’m also thinking about getting my masters in special ed. or english. I begin observing next week. I will be observing a class for pregnant teenagers. This class is actually within the school. It’s a brand new program that they’re trying out. I am also observing regular english classes and various types of special ed.

I have also stumbled upon a very interesting approach to painting. I cannot tell you my secret, but I hope it’s a good one. I will say that I have found a crazy way to integrate air into the paint. It’s very cool. Very loud. Very abstract. I plan on posting pictures when the paintings dry.

Tennis has been fantastic. I’ve been keeping up with running and yoga (barely), and today I actually beat someone I thought I’d never be able to beat.

OH AND THE BIGGEST BADDEST MOST SUPER FANTASTIC AMAZING NEWS OF ALL???? I found Louis again (ok he found me thanks to myspace). It feels awesome knowing where all my brothers are. Totally awesome. I am complete. He is doing excellent, living in Tampa, going to drag shows without me. AND he is getting married! Who is he getting married to? Robert! Yes, he has a Robert too. Unbelievable, but true. I hope this guy is a winner. I hope that this burst of happiness is 100% and lasts.

So, yes everything is aok. No, wait, it’s fantastic!

Dear Giant Breakfast Phenomenon on the Side of the Road,

thank you for being the most delicious roadside art I ever seen. how can I not appreciate your tackiness when it always makes me laugh out loud? as much as I wish you would disappear (I'm sure there's a concrete omelet with your name on it), I cannot help but applaud your fantastic ugliness.


and thank you, mom, for finally capturing this wonderful atrocity.