HelloGoodBye again

I am in love with Forrest Kline.

The Concert by Lisel Mueller

The harpist believes there is music
in the skeletons of fish

The French horn player believes
in enormous golden snails

The piano believes in nothing
and grins from ear to ear

Strings are scratching their bellies
openly, enjoying it

Flutes and oboes complain
in dialects of the same tongue

Drumsticks rattle a calfskin
from the sleep of another life

because the supernatural crow
on the podium flaps his wings
and death is no excuse

LOOK AT THE POGS YALL

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my first publication

Awhile ago I sent off a few of my poems to a literary magazine at my school. I did not question whether or not they would be published but sent them as a first step into the wondrous world of rejection. On the day I sent them off I sat down and proceeded to write a letter to Denny, my best friend in high school who passed away when we were 16. As I was collecting the poems to be sent off I threw in the letter as an afterthought. Oddly enough the letter has been selected for publication in the magazine. Because it is officially copyrighted now I am going to post it on my blog.




A letter to Denny 12/05/85-04/24/02


It has been four years since you’ve passed.
I live in the city now.
It is always bright here.
Lights are always shining in my eyes.

It was raining the week before you passed and the roads to your house flooded.
You had two strokes or you would have seen the rain too.
Maybe you did.
My mother and I had to walk a few miles to reach your mother.
She was alone. Her house was filled with strangers but the room where your mother sat was empty. I walked over to her and put my arms around her and touched her hair the way you would have.
She smelled bitter and the ashes from her cigarettes speckled her face and hair.
I could hear surrender in her breathing.
Her spark never returned. It caught fire and ravaged her bones.
She died a year after you.
The doctors said it was bone cancer but I knew better.
The grief metastasized and ate her up.
After she passed your sister and brother moved away.
They are orphans. I no longer know them.
Before they moved someone set fire to your house.
Your prom dress was in there.

I learned to drive and my grandfather bought me a brand new car.
I drove to the top of your hill and waited for you.
You never came.
I graduated high school. When they called the names I kept waiting to hear yours.
It was never called.
I went on my first date after starting college. He picked me up in his beat up car and took me out to dinner.
At the end of the night he kissed me. My first kiss.
I raced up the stairs to my apartment and picked up my phone to call you.
I must have dialed the wrong number because it was disconnected.
It didn’t matter though. I made popcorn and talked out loud while I ate.
Did you hear me?

My grandfather is gone now. The last word I heard him say was, “help” but it was too late.
The house I grew up in is gone. The trees are gone too. Hermit’s Holler has been raped and its bosom still leaks milk.
The whippoorwills will cry,
“give me room, give me room”, until there isn’t any space left.
It’s someone else’s private property now.
I’m not allowed to kick the rocks and touch the ground I touched for 18 years.

When I hear other girls whisper and giggle it takes every particle of my strength not to dissolve.
I am jealous. Their laughter and words should be ours.

I will be graduating in two years. I will buy two hats to toss in the air.
I will throw yours first.
I wrote my first concrete poem and it startled me.
The words took the shape of you.
I have grown smaller since you saw me last. I lost the weight of my depression and now wear the lip gloss you put down when your lips turned cold.

I take walks with my dog and fiancée and tell them stories about the years you and I were blessed with.
When I have kids I will tell them these stories too. They will know who you are.
Your pictures will never be taken down and put away.

It is hard to move on.
I have been moving on for four years.
I am moving past your death.
I take you with me.

o is for obnoxious

Appetizer: What comes to mind when you see the color orange?
Before Guatemala I always thought of that orange soap men like to keep in their garages. Now I also think of Sunsets that can be heard, seen and tasted.

Soup: Did you ever get in trouble while you were in school? If so, what was it for?
In high school I did. I could not walk in a straight line or talk without moving my hands and feet. I used those same hands and feet to run from the straight line one day and never came back.

Salad: Which topping(s) make up your perfect pizza?
zucchini, pineapple, spinach, avocados and LOADS OF PARMESON BABY!

Main Course: Do you believe in UFOs/aliens/etc.? Why or why not?
of course. I know that humans are aliens to others.

Dessert: What color is your bedspread/comforter/quilt?
I have a few. The first is a childhood quilt that is used for aesthetic purposes only. I also have a light green quilt, a dark green comforter, and an outrageously ugly plaid overthrow that is simultaneously flashy and quiet.

Here and There by Stephen Dunn

Here and there nightfall
without fanfare
presses down, utterly
expected, not an omen in sight.
Here and there a husband
at the usual time
goes to bed with his wife
and doesn’t dream of other women.
Occasionally a terrible sigh
is heard, the kind that is
theatrical, to be ignored.
Or a car backfires
and reminds us of a car
backfiring, not of a gunshot.
Here and there a man says
what he means and people hear him
and are not confused.
Here and there a missing teenage girl
comes home unscarred.
Sometimes dawn just brings another
day, full of minor
pleasures and small complaints.
And when the newspaper arrives
with the world,
people make kindling of it
and sit together while it burns.

I am an angry masculine chocolate wood sun with creative morning space in summer not spring god not spring and I will active your yang baby

You Are More Yang

Masculine Creative Angry Spring Summer Morning Sun Space Active Wood Chocolate

Are You More Yin or Yang?

what a way to start the year

I had a very peaceful first day of the year. Robert and I stopped at one of our favorite Chinese places with Rose and Peppy in tow. After lunch we drove them out to the doggy park. It was Rose’s first time. We jumped out of the truck with a pup on each leash and proceeded to slide down the muddiest hill I have ever seen. To make matters worse other dogs were coming and going and Peppy had to exchange sniffs with each and every one of them. He kept trying to get Rose involved but she was just too darn interested in the people. She licked, wiggled and jumped her way into the hearts of every single person out there. When I took her leash off she threw me a surprised look that said, “really”? and instead of shooting off like Peppy she lingered with Robert and I for a few moments. She could not resist greeting every single person though. Peppy started what Robert and I fondly call the “drool factor”. The “drool factor” is a rapid increase in the production of saliva that eventually hangs to the ground because Peppy gets too excited to swallow. He can go for several minutes without dropping the long string of drool. It usually gets caught on a rock or if he is running extremely fast long pieces will pull against the wind and streak his upper face. He becomes this black whir of slobber and spit that can outrun and out-drool anything on the face of this earth. A few select people ooh and ah over the sheer beauty and grossness of it. Most just pull their dogs away and start heading in the other direction. Kids almost always understand his long strings of drool. They linger between shouts of “cool” and “ewww”. Halfway through our walk Rose came running up to us and we were shocked to see long sticky trails of drool all over her head. Apparently she got underneath his chin and soaked up his most massive drool string yet.
It was a very exciting walk. Rose was attacked during the beginning by two unknown pups who were thrilled to see another pup. At first she kept trying to get away from them, but it didn’t take long for her to start playing with them. She rarely interacted with the other dogs though. She did, however, do her best to go home with every person there. She would stop directly in front of a person and roll onto her back. Nobody could resist scratching her tummy. Many commented on how soft she was, but after she became a giant drool ball many chose to comment on how large her head was. She looks like a golden retriever/giraffe mix with a head that belongs on a Saint Bernard. She grows every day but it’s in bits and pieces so she always looks off balance. I have hope that someday the rest of her body will catch up with her head.
After we took a walk we all took a nap, Peppy excluded. He was trying to show off how tough he was because apparently he zonked out at bedtime last night. We ended the day with Robert’s special spaghetti and The Blue Collar Comedy Tour. It was a very peaceful day.

another year

Appetizer
How do you usually celebrate on New Year's Eve?
asleep. there is no way in hell I’m staying up for just another damn year.

Soup
Name one thing unexpected that happened to you in 2006.
LOTS of unexpected things happened. I got accepted into UMKC, aced two math classes and fell in love with Fergie.

Salad
Where was your favorite place that you visited in 2006?
Landahl and Guatemala. I really loved the off road biking thing and Guatemala was and still is beyond my comprehension. I loved the fast setting sun and beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I loved BRUNO aka froggy and that stupid ass peacock that almost took off my mom’s toes. I’m sorry mom but that was hilarious.

Main Course
What resolution is your top priority for 2007?
Ok let’s think about this. I’m a twenty something year old with an average build. Hmmm how hard can this be? No, if I lose 23 pounds and can fit into a size 2 that would be great. That was my resolution from last year. I gained 6 pounds though.

Dessert
Using just three words, describe 2006.
suffocating, confident, sluggish

helicopter?

Appetizer
Have you ever flown in a helicopter?
No but I dance like one

Soup
What color is your warmest coat or jacket?
HA! Like I own a coat. I think the warmest thing I have is layers. One layer for every 5 degrees below 80. I look like chunky peanut butter if I wear my favorite brown sweater and it’s 20 outside.

Salad
What is your favorite rainy day activity?
I really like to run in the rain. all is well until my undies get wet then I call it quits and read a book.

Main Course
Describe your hands.
short, fattish, scarred thumbs thanks to scott and that damn hammer. my nails are quite ghastly because I keep em’ short for tennis.

Dessert
If you could eat only one nut for the rest of your life, what nut
would you pick?
dark chocolate almonds

I miss my mascara, confidence! and my Rosie pie and Peppyboo

Well my eye is doing a lot better (for those of you who didn’t know I have a corneal ulcer). I am, however, about to go mad because I haven’t been able to wear mascara for awhile. Such a small catastrophe. I am now awaiting the next disaster. I know now never to brag about my inability to get sick because God will put me in my place. I have been enjoying my break immensely but I am ready to get back to school. Making straight A’s last semester really gave me the confidence I needed to face biology again. Hopefully this will be my last time I take biology. I also know that I will most likely ace any math class that comes my way. It’s hard for me to admit that I enjoy math. Who the hell likes math?
Rose and Peppy are doing so well together. Just last night Peppy finally let Robert and I see how much he loves Rose. He actually played with her right in front of us. Usually we have to peek between the blinds to see them play together. He was very gentle with her too and even licked her face a few times. She is growing so fast. Already her paws are bigger than Peppy’s. The neighbors across the street from Robert have been letting their kids walk them around the block. Rose carries her leash in her mouth just like Lily does. It’s really cute.

?

Should I post anymore?

An update as of two seconds ago

Here is an update on my life.
I am out of school for 3 or 4 weeks. I will be working more hours at the bank and babysitting more until school starts up again. Christmas presents were sent off last night! I only wrapped 2% of them. Heather wrapped the rest. I will know my final grades tomorrow! I am nervous. I am currently decorating my apartment and trying to make tofu the southern way. Robert’s uncle bought a 1976 yellow ambulance off of ebay and they are picking it up tomorrow. It is very funny looking. Rose and Peppy played together for the first time yesterday. Peppy is slowly warming up to her. She likes to sleep with her head underneath the entertainment center. She is currently trying to find a way to chew on several squeakies at once. We bought them stocking stuffers and filled hers with tennis balls. It’s funny because when I drop the stocking it bounces. Robert is turning the newly renovated downstairs into a home theater. Josh brought over big speakers and helped install them. It is the funniest thing to feel the house shake as it blasts George Strait. There will be no Christmas tree this year. There is no time to set one up.

one word

one word meme
1. Yourself: funny
2. Your spouse: N/A
3. Your hair: poofy
4. Your mother: eccentric
5. Your father: cuckoo
6. Your favorite item: apartment
7. Your dream last night: suffocation
8. Your favorite drink: tea
9. Your dream car: F350
10. The room you are in: yellow
11. Your ex: soft
12. Your fear: geese
13. What you want to be in 10 years: alive
14. Who you hung out with last night: robert
15. What you’re not: quiet
16. Muffins: nope
17: One of your wish list items: seashells: )
18: Time: morning
19. The last thing you did: giggle
20. What you’re wearing: ooolala
21. Your favorite weather: frosty
22. Your favorite book: heartbreakingworkofstaggeringgenius
23. The last thing you ate: honeybunchesofoats
24. Your life: spontaneous
25. Your mood: calm
26. Your best friend(s): peppy
27. What you’re thinking about right now: work
28. Your car: slow
29. What you’re doing at the moment: kissing
30. Your summer: tennis
31. Your relationship status: taken
32. What’s on TV: ?
33. The weather: brrrr
34. The last time you laughed: now

I do love my books

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm You're probably in the final stages of a Ph.D. or otherwise finding a way to make your living out of reading. You are one of the literati. Other people's grammatical mistakes make you insane.
Dedicated Reader
Literate Good Citizen
Book Snob
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Create Your Own Quiz

just a peek...

at my new glasses! And my boyfriend! Mom and grandma: can you tell that the pants have been hemmed?

celebrate!

I am sooooo flippin' excited. Robert and I are going on a date tonight. oooo la la. We are going to a movie and THEN we're going to have dinner at this quaint vegetarian restaurant on the plaza. We are celebrating loooove AND the 97% I made on my math test. woooooooweeeee. The restaurant is http://edenalley.com/
BUT FIRST I have to finish my essay on Heather McHugh.

The Dizzy and Giddy Empress

It's no fair that you got to be "The Tower" mom.

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

You Are "Dizzy and Giddy"

What Japanese Smiley Are You?

everrrrrrrrrrrryythiiiinnnng

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

Maybe There's a Loving God

For those of you who haven't heard this song...

I'm trying to work things out • I'm trying to comprehend • Am I the chance result • Of some great accident • I hear a rhythm call me • The echo of a grand design • I spend each night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars in the sky • • I have another meeting today • With my new counselor • My mom will cry and say • I don't know what to do with her • She's so unresponsive • I just cannot break through • She spends all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • They have a chart and a graph • Of my despondency • They want to chart a path • For self-recovery • And want to know what I'm thinking • What motivates my mood • To spend all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was made this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • • Maybe I was mad this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • • And that may be a foolish thought • Or maybe there is a God • And I have never prayed a lot • But maybe there's a loving God • •